For a long while, I thought each time I had eyes worth the task of identifying clearly what I wanted. But this was all a lie the moment I realized I was growing with more than four broken relationships, or I should call them by their right name, infatuations.
The moment I met you in my life, it was not so clear whether I was really ready to have you in my life. At first, I counted you as one of my daughters. Not until I noticed you were not comfortable with the 'daughter' thing.
I had a past that I never wanted to infect you with. I had to cherish you in all ways and your happiness was to be my priority. I chose to keep you in the shade served with anxiety. Each day was a temptation to let you know my feelings and thoughts. I knew it will never last for long before you know the truth.
It has been moments of reflecting on whether I was ready for you.
Will I make it to maintain your happiness or will I be another cause of your sadness? Will you wake, later in life, each day not regretting having had me as your husband or I will be the most absurd decision you would have made? When age will have taken all that pleases the eye, will still our hearts be bound for the better and for the worse? Will I be comfortable relating with your past, a past I know not about? Will i be comfortable telling you what worries me?
On the other hand, will I still keep you as a friend if you turn me down, or will I just hate you? Will I be comfortable knowing that you are having a relationship that is not with me but you are happy or I will just be jealous? If you will invite me to your family, will I still come with a smile that you are happy or will I be wishing you broke up? If I see you with another gentleman, will I man up and think nothing is going on between the two of you?
I have been told a lot by those who know about my feelings and thought for you. I have had a reflection of thoughts and considered whether they are of selfish ambition. I wish I could foresee the future. I wish I could read your mind. But maybe not knowing anything is a safe way of keeping both of us happy.
As I write this it is way past midnight but the thought of you had to compel me unto writing about you. 41 minutes already consumed past the mid hour of the night. I wish to pray and leave it to God.
When the appropriate day shall be, I shall share with you this, it is what I have promised. And if you are reading this, it is because it was meant for this time. Your happiness is my greatest dream. Wherever you are, may the smiles keep you. I love you💜💕